Cleese (talking very fast, as do all the commentators): Hello, good evening
and welcome to Election Night Special. There's tremendous excitement
here at the moment and we should be getting the first results through
any moment now. We're not sure where it will be from, it might be
Leicester or from West Byfleet, the polling's been quite heavy in both
areas. Ah, I'm just getting... I'm just getting... a buzzing noise in
my left ear. Urgh, argh! (removes insect and stamps on it). And now
let's go straight over to Leicester.
Palin: And it's a straight fight here at Leicester and we're expecting the
result any moment now. There with the Returning Officer is Arthur Smith
the sensible candidate and next to him is Jethro Q. Walrustitty the
silly candidate with his agent and his silly wife.
Idle: (clears throat) Here is the result for Leicester. Arthur J. Smith...
Cleese: Sensible Party
Idle: ...30,612. (applause)
Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty...
Cleese: Silly Party
Idle: ...33,108. (applause)
Cleese: Well there we have the first result of the election and the Silly
party has held Leicester. Norman.
Palin: Well pretty much as I predicted, except that the Silly party won. Er,
I think this is largely due to the number of votes cast. Gerald.
Chapman: Well there's a big swing here to the Silly Party, but how big a swing
I'm not going to tell you.
Palin: I think one should point out that in this constituency since the last
election a lot of very silly people have moved into new housing
estates with the result that a lot of sensible voters have moved
further down the road the other side of number er, 29.
Cleese: Well I can't add anything to that. Colin?
Idle: Can I just say that this is the first time I've been on television?
Cleese: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we're just going straight over to
Chapman: Well here at Luton it's a three-cornered contest between, from left
to right, Alan Jones (Sensible Party), Tarquin Fintimlinbinwhinbimlim
Bus Stop F'tang F'tang Ole Biscuit-Barrel (Silly Party), and Kevin
Phillips Bong, who is running on the Slightly Silly ticket. And
here's the result.
Woman: Alan Jones...
Kevin Phillips Bong...
Cleese: Slightly Silly
Tarquin Fintimlinbinwhinbimlim Bus Stop F'tang F'tang Ole
Woman: 12,441. (applause)
Cleese: Well there you have it, the first result of the election as the Silly
Party take Luton. Norman.
Palin: Well this is a very significant result. Luton, normally a very
sensible constituency with a high proportion of people who aren't a
bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.
Cleese: And we've just heard that James Gilbert has with him the winning Silly
candidate at Luton.
Idle: Tarquin, are you pleased with this result?
Tarquin (Palin): Ho yus, me old beauty, I should say so. (Silly noises including a goat bleating).
Cleese: And do we have the swing at Luton?
Chapman: Er... no.
Cleese: (pause) Right, well I can't add anything to that. Colin?
Idle: Can I just say that this is the second time I've been on television?
Cleese: No, I'm sorry there isn't time, we're just about to get another
Palin: And this one is from Harpenden Southeast. A very interesting
constituency this: in addition to the official Silly candidate there
is an unofficial Very Silly candidate, in the slab of concrete, and he
could well split the silly vote here at Harpenden Southeast.
Jones: Mrs Elsie Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Jones: 26,317 (applause)
Cleese: Very close!
Jones: Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Blackpool Rock Stoatgobbler John
Raw Vegetable Brrroooo Norman Michael (rings bell) (blows whistle)
Edward (sounds car horn) (does train impersonation) (sounds buzzer)
Thomas Moo... (sings) "We'll keep a welcome in the..." (fires gun)
William (makes silly noise) "Raindrops keep falling on my" (weird noise) "Don't sleep in the subway" (cuckoo cuckoo) Naaoooo... Smith...
Cleese: Very Silly
Cleese: Well there you have it, a Sensible gain at Harpenden with the Silly
vote being split.
Palin: And we've just heard from Luton that Tony Stratton-Smith has with him
there the unsuccessful Slightly Silly candidate, Kevin Phillips Bong.
Idle: Kevin Phillips Bong. You polled no votes at all. Not a sausage.
Bugger all. Are you at all disappointed with this performance?
Bong (Neil Innes): Not at all. As I always say:
Climb every mountain
Ford every stream,
Follow every by-way,
Till you find your dream.
(Sings) A dream that will last
All the love you can give
Every day of your life
For as long as you live.
All together now!
Climb every mountain
Ford every stream...
Cleese: A very brave Kevin Phillips Bong there. Norman.
Palin: And I've just heard from Luton that my aunt is ill. Possibly
gastro-enteritis, possibly just catarrh. Gerald.
Cleese: Right. Er, Colin?
Idle: Can I just say that I'll never appear on television again?
Cleese: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we have to pick up a few results you
may have missed. A little pink pussy-cat has taken Barrow-in-Furness
-- that's a gain from the Liberals there. Rastus Odinga Odinga has
taken Wolverhampton Southwest, that's Enoch Powell's old constituency
-- an important gain there for Darkie Power. Arthur Negus has held
Bristols -- that's not a result, that's just a piece of gossip. Sir
Alec Douglas Home has taken Oldham for the Stone Dead party. A small
piece of putty about that big, a cheese mechanic from Dunbar and two
frogs -- one called Kipper the other not -- have all gone "Ni ni ni ni
ni ni!" in Blackpool Central. And so it's beginning to look like a
Silly landslide, and with the prospect of five more years' Silly
government facing us we... Oh I don't want to do this any more, I'm
Palin: He's right you know, it is a bloody waste of time.
Chapman: Absolute waste of time.
Palin: I wanted to be a gynaecologist...
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